This morning, I woke up looking forward to having a croissant from this gluten free french bakery where I have become a regular. They tend to sell out quickly, so I called them as soon as they opened at 10am. A nice lady picked up the phone, and as I waited for her to get back to me, I was getting excited for a nice warm croissant and a cup of coffee. I had not had a croissant in such a long time. After being diagnosed with celiac disease, you do not realize how much it affects you even with the little things.
When she got back on the phone, she told me that they did not have any croissant today and that they are not making them as often. I was devastated. Obviously it was not her fault nor the restaurant’s fault, but it was one of those things that sent me spiraling. It reminded me that I cannot just get up and go somewhere to get something that I am craving especially when it is traditionally made with gluten. I even dared to see how long it would take for me to make a croissant and decided that eleven hours was a little too much for me. In all honesty, I did go back and forth for a while; I was desperate to satisfy my craving.
For me, this is one of the things that makes having celiac disease one hard and sometimes draining. Your eating habits are no longer convenient or easy. It is not that you yourself are inconvenient, but rather society is not making things convenient for you. I spiral because there are so many places that claim to have gluten free options but are unwilling to accommodate those that need it the most. So, in reality, there are barely a handful of places that I can actually go to and feel safe about the food that I eat. It’s tough.
All I wanted this morning was a croissant. Instead, I had a full blown breakdown and spiral fest about how frustrating it is to have celiac disease. I think this is where it is difficult to explain this feeling to people who do not have celiac disease or similar dietary restrictions. Yes, it is not the end of the world that I cannot have a croissant this morning. Yes, I can find something else to eat. Yes, this is not an end all be all situation. But it is a reminder that I cannot just eat whatever, whenever, wherever I want, and the privilege that I used to have of being able to do so no longer applies to me. That is the frustration. It is not about the croissant. It is about what not being able to just get a croissant represents. These occurrences are a constant reminder that we have to go above and beyond just for a simple little thing that someone you know could just walk to their local donut shop and grab one to satisfy their craving. I can no longer be spontaneous in what I can eat. I have to plan and come prepared and have to constantly explain to people why I can or cannot eat somewhere.
I do not miss all the gluten in the world. I miss being able to eat whenever and wherever I want without having to feel this constant frustration.